FINDING YOUR FEET

Fontein Coaching’s Cass Fontein offers tools to support you to stay grounded, manage overwhelm and focus on what’s within your control. PHOTO CASEY VAN LIEFDE

You know those days when your brain has 47 tabs open? You’re replying to an email while thinking about the conversation you need to have later. Your phone pings. You remember something you forgot yesterday. Someone’s waiting for an answer. You’re worrying about something that’s happening next week. Suddenly, even the smallest decision feels much harder than it should.

Welcome to overwhelm.

Spring has a way of bringing energy back into our lives. The days get longer, our calendars fill up, projects gain momentum and before we know it, life feels very full again.

When that happens, our instinct is often to try to get everything under control. The problem is that a lot of what occupies our minds was never within our control in the first place.

We worry about what someone thinks of us, replay conversations that are already over, and take on responsibility for other people’s emotions. We spend energy solving problems that haven’t actually happened yet. Meanwhile, the things we can influence get lost amongst the noise.

When everything starts feeling like too much, I like to bring it back to one question: what’s actually within my control right now? Sometimes, the answer is surprisingly small.

I can put my phone down, send the email I’ve been avoiding, or say no. I can ask for help, or I can simply decide that a problem doesn’t need to be solved today. These things won’t magically remove everything happening around us, but they remind us that we still have agency.

It’s a picture I come back to again and again, with clients and in my own life. There are two circles. Inside the first is everything you can control, like your actions, your boundaries, where you place your attention, how you speak to yourself and what you choose to do next. Outside sits everything else, like other people’s opinions and reactions, the past, unexpected changes and the outcomes we wish we could guarantee.

When overwhelm creeps in, notice which circle is getting most of your energy, then come back to the present. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a slow breath. Notice what you can see and hear. Give your mind something that’s happening now to think about, rather than another scenario that may or may not happen later. Then choose one thing.

Being grounded doesn’t mean becoming someone who’s permanently calm or unaffected by life. We’re human. We get stressed. We overthink. We have days when everything feels like a lot. Being grounded is knowing how to find your way back when it does – back to what you can influence.

The next time your brain has 47 tabs open, you don’t need to close them all. Just find the one that’s actually yours, and start there. FONTEINCOACHING.CO.NZ

Shine a light

An upcoming event shines the light on men’s mental health by demonstrating that it’s braver to seek help than to tough it out alone.

Words Liz French

Zane Munro

For too long, Kiwi culture has celebrated the tough guy. While women have felt free to seek help from friends and professionals, men have bottled their problems. If they expressed vulnerability or showed their emotions they risked being told to “harden up”.

With one simple word and a lot of support, Cassandra Hogan intends to help change perceptions about how men deal with their mental health. The event on October 13 that will put the focus firmly on the male state of mind is simply titled: he. 

The pendulum is gradually swinging, but not fast enough, says Cassandra. As a certified life coach, she sees far more women than men, but she also gets to talk to men more deeply than many. “I’ve got a lot of guy mates,” she explains. “If they confess to me that they are finding life hard and I ask what they’ve done to get help, the answer is usually… nothing.” 

Kenrick Smith from rake Healing with one of his mammouth artworks

Awareness that the men she talked to were just the tip of the iceberg, Cassandra germinated the idea that has evolved into he. And it’s got bigger than she anticipated.

While keen to facilitate an event about men for men, she knew it needed to be by men as well. Cassandra only had to put the word out to influential males in the mental health arena to have speaker offers flooding in.

Zane Munro is a speaker who is upfront about his struggle with depression, anxiety and feeling isolated. He says that the birth of his son five years ago was the impetus for the men’s mental health support group, For All The Brothers: “I didn’t want him to grow up like this.” 

For All The Brothers provided a platform where blokes could comfortably share their experiences. It took off on social media (40,000 followers on Instagram!) and there are now branches in many centres. It has organised men’s walks all over New Zealand and Australia. “It’s easier to talk while you are walking side-by-side,” Zane points out.   

Cassandra Hogan

Cassandra is an ambassador for The Shaka Project, an Australian initiative to ignite the conversation around mental health. Sean Weir from Shaka is coming to talk about the benefits of connection, mateship and brotherhood. Shaka was inspired by a dad’s love for his kids and his friends, something Kiwi men can certainly identify with. 

Tai Tupou from Hamilton will also be an inspirational speaker. He experienced a downward spiral when a broken ankle axed his chances of playing league the day after selection. He represents The Last Chance Project, supporting men with burdens from haunting past issues to everyday pressures. The Last Chance Project provides a safe, healing and nurturing environment for men to walk positively into the next chapters of their lives.  

Kenrick Smith is better known for his pictures than his words. Kenrick started drawing in the sand during lockdown as an outlet for his energy. So began Rake Healing, which creates mindfulness and calmness by putting artistic lines in the sand. Kenrick’s greatest pleasure is helping individuals fulfil their potential. If it’s fine on he. day, his work will appear on the beach outside the venue, Mount Maunganui Surf Club. 

Co-ordinating he. is a big job for a woman with a business and a young family. Cassandra gratefully acknowledges her supportive family and friends and the assistance of Kim Brown of She is Unleashed, a networking group for self-employed women. Both women stress that while they are ensuring he. happens, this is the men’s do. 

Serious action does not mean acting seriously. he. is planned as an evening of open sharing, laughing and realising others have your back. The Surf Club will create an intimate atmosphere in an inspiring location. Attendees get a drink as they arrive and dinner is served between speakers. Sponsor enthusiasm ensures the goodie bags will be very good! Women are welcome whether as partner, friend or interested supporter.  

Well known sportsmen are already lining up to be involved in the next
event. “Next!” laughs Cassandra. But her supporters are already talking
about he. becoming a regular event and spurning spin-off groups. 

The he. event will take place on October 13, 5.30pm at Mount Maunganui Surf Club. For more information, head to the Facebook page:

 he.mensmentalhealth