HOLDING SPACE
Even when they roll their eyes, our teens still need our hugs. Parent coach Kristin Ward explains why, and how, to keep the affection flowing.
Even when they roll their eyes, our teens still need our hugs. Parent coach Kristin Ward explains why, and how, to keep the affection flowing.
My family lived in West Africa when I was a child. Avoiding mosquito bites and, hopefully, malaria was a part of everyday life. I was about eight when I announced that I would only allow my parents to give me a goodnight kiss through my mosquito net. I remember some good-natured grumbling about the mosquito net rule, but no matter what, every night Mum and Dad still gave me a hug and kiss through the dusty netting.
The message that your parents will reliably give you affection is an important one. What does physical touch do? When we hug our children, oxytocin is released in their bodies — and in ours.
Often referred to as the ‘love’ or ‘happy’ hormone, oxytocin helps children to regulate their emotions, lowers levels of stress hormones and helps to reduce anxiety. Physical affection also supports bonding, sending a powerful message to a child that they are valued and loved.
When kids are small, they naturally get a lot of physical affection. As they get older, bigger and more independent, the relationship moments which offer physical affection gradually reduce.
Tweens and teens don’t necessarily seek out physical closeness from us anymore. (It’s not cool for Mum to hold your hand when walking into high school or even intermediate.) Parents can start to feel awkward about physical affection as their young people go through puberty. The boy is shaving now, surely he doesn’t need or want a goodnight hug? Before long, it can feel like ages since you hugged your child, and starting again feels too uncomfortable.
My encouragement — it’s easier to keep up physical affection than to resume it once it’s dropped off. (But if it has dropped off, it is not too late to resume it.)
In coaching sessions, parents often share how frustrating it is when disrespect and rudeness become the typical tone used by their kids. It may not feel intuitive to ‘up’ the affection if the atmosphere with our children has got a bit strained. However, a lack of affection could be playing a bigger role than we realise.
As parents, we need to take the lead in showing our children that we treasure them, intentionally upping our demonstrations of physical affection. After all, affection helps parents and kids feel more connected. Feeling more connected leads to a more cooperative, less resistant style of relating to each other.
WAYS TO STAY AFFECTIONATE WITH TWEENS AND TEENS
If physical affection has dropped off, here are some ideas to work it into your everyday interactions:
• High-fives
• ‘Heading out the door’ hugs
• A quick shoulder massage as they do their homework
• Arm wrestles and playfighting
• A hand on their shoulder, telling them you appreciate the chore they’re doing
• Offer to blow-dry or straighten their hair
• Bring them a blanket while they’re watching TV and sit down beside them.
Teens and screens: Finding the balance
Ellie Gwilliam from Parenting Place explains how parents can guide teens back to real-world connections when screen time dominates social interactions.
Ellie Gwilliam from Parenting Place explains how parents can guide teens back to real-world connections when screen time dominates social interactions.
Technology offers us great ways to stay connected and maintain relationships. Our teens, amongst the first ‘born and bred’ digital natives, are experts at online connection − handy if we ‘older folk’ need tech support. But, how are their social skills playing out in real life?
Are our young people able to connect with others and build relationships in the offline world? Can they be social without the media? Will they ever actually talk to us again, instead of just sending a DM asking what’s for dinner?
If this concerns you, here are three things to consider as you encourage your teenager to put down their device and engage in some face-to-face interactions.
Try to remember what being a teenager is like.
The teenage years are defined by social awkwardness, feeling misunderstood and a desire to assert independence, all while still having to follow rules. So, it isn’t surprising that our teens can find interacting in-person difficult – especially when we insist on them doing so on our terms.
While you might think getting them to show off their ukelele skills at the staff Christmas party is a helpful way to face their social insecurities, it may just reinforce their beliefs that the online world is a much safer and more pleasant place to socialise. Instead, provide low-pressure opportunities for social interaction – perhaps with people familiar to them where they can choose to interact or just observe.
Ask for their suggestions and follow their lead.
The teenage brain thrives on connection with peers, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t like connecting with parents. While a teenager’s friends are very important to them, research tells us that the parental relationship remains a strong influence. Our teens want us to show them that we find them interesting, likeable and worthy of our time. One of the best ways to do this is by connecting through their interests and pursuits. This may mean trying to understand online gaming or wading through obscure reels, but it could also mean giving them a lift to the gaming store or skate park, shopping for snacks or trying testers at the makeup shop – all opportunities to develop real-life social skills without them realising!
Model good social skills.
Teenagers are experts at tuning out lectures. While our words may not matter much, teenagers always watch and learn from our actions. So, if we want our teens to get off their devices and use their real-life social skills, we must do the same.
Managing our own device use and getting out and about ourselves can give our teenagers the confidence to do so as well. Be a role model of good conversation and asking good questions. Show them how to treat others with respect and empathy. And even if you’re not that assertive in social situations, make the effort to go outside of your comfort zone and flex all the social muscles you have – after all, that’s what we’re asking our teenagers to do!