HOLDING SPACE
Even when they roll their eyes, our teens still need our hugs. Parent coach Kristin Ward explains why, and how, to keep the affection flowing.
Even when they roll their eyes, our teens still need our hugs. Parent coach Kristin Ward explains why, and how, to keep the affection flowing.
My family lived in West Africa when I was a child. Avoiding mosquito bites and, hopefully, malaria was a part of everyday life. I was about eight when I announced that I would only allow my parents to give me a goodnight kiss through my mosquito net. I remember some good-natured grumbling about the mosquito net rule, but no matter what, every night Mum and Dad still gave me a hug and kiss through the dusty netting.
The message that your parents will reliably give you affection is an important one. What does physical touch do? When we hug our children, oxytocin is released in their bodies — and in ours.
Often referred to as the ‘love’ or ‘happy’ hormone, oxytocin helps children to regulate their emotions, lowers levels of stress hormones and helps to reduce anxiety. Physical affection also supports bonding, sending a powerful message to a child that they are valued and loved.
When kids are small, they naturally get a lot of physical affection. As they get older, bigger and more independent, the relationship moments which offer physical affection gradually reduce.
Tweens and teens don’t necessarily seek out physical closeness from us anymore. (It’s not cool for Mum to hold your hand when walking into high school or even intermediate.) Parents can start to feel awkward about physical affection as their young people go through puberty. The boy is shaving now, surely he doesn’t need or want a goodnight hug? Before long, it can feel like ages since you hugged your child, and starting again feels too uncomfortable.
My encouragement — it’s easier to keep up physical affection than to resume it once it’s dropped off. (But if it has dropped off, it is not too late to resume it.)
In coaching sessions, parents often share how frustrating it is when disrespect and rudeness become the typical tone used by their kids. It may not feel intuitive to ‘up’ the affection if the atmosphere with our children has got a bit strained. However, a lack of affection could be playing a bigger role than we realise.
As parents, we need to take the lead in showing our children that we treasure them, intentionally upping our demonstrations of physical affection. After all, affection helps parents and kids feel more connected. Feeling more connected leads to a more cooperative, less resistant style of relating to each other.
WAYS TO STAY AFFECTIONATE WITH TWEENS AND TEENS
If physical affection has dropped off, here are some ideas to work it into your everyday interactions:
• High-fives
• ‘Heading out the door’ hugs
• A quick shoulder massage as they do their homework
• Arm wrestles and playfighting
• A hand on their shoulder, telling them you appreciate the chore they’re doing
• Offer to blow-dry or straighten their hair
• Bring them a blanket while they’re watching TV and sit down beside them.