Kind, firm, calm
Could the secret to great parenting be KFC?
Ever find yourself second-guessing the decisions you make as a parent? Wondering if you're being too strict, too soft, too harsh, too lenient?
Good news – there is a simple balance that offers an easy-to-remember parenting posture. It combines warmth and affection, is held in place with gentle leadership, and is delivered calmly knowing that children thrive when the atmosphere is peaceful.
I like to call this KFC – kind, firm, calm. Keeping a balance of these three things is the key to parenting.
Be kind
When we’re communicating with our kids, our tone of voice really matters. We need to stay kind and pleasant. If we are mean, sarcastic or shouty, our children will feel like they need to defend themselves and the issue will get lost in a fight.
Listen to your children and offer them empathy and support. Convey warmth, interest and love so they feel seen and heard by you. A stern look or raised eyebrows can communicate our impatience and irritation. On the other hand, gazing lovingly at your children and showing you are pleased to see them offers a deep feeling of safety and being loved.
Be firm
Children need us to be firm, even though they will do their best to get us to fold. Work out what you’re prepared to stand by and stay the course. Children will be relentless if they find they can sway us, and our job will be much harder. A great motto is, “Say it, mean it, do it.” Remember that children feel safe, loved and protected when the big people set boundaries and stick to them.
Be calm
We need to be a constant source of calm in our families – as if we are set on a thermostat. The weather may change, but we don’t. When storms threaten, instead of losing our cool, yelling and reminding our kids about stuff they already know – we stay calm. Our confidence is conveyed by speaking quietly and bringing our voice down at the end of a sentence. Avoid fighting words that invite a challenge. For example, “There will be no biscuits until you have unpacked your school bag” works better with an invitation to cooperate instead.
“You may have a biscuit as soon as you have unpacked your school bag.” If you find yourself flooded with emotion, find a way to regain your composure. Press pause. Take some deep breaths and a few steps back. Make a cup of tea or go outside and reflect on what just happened.
When you keep your composure, your children look at you and see how it’s done. They see that the big person in their life is not thrown or overwhelmed by their behaviour and it helps them relax and begin their own process of self-regulating.
Extracted from Kind, Firm, Calm – Simple strategies to transform your parenting, by Jenny Hale.
